don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
