I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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