need another drink. this is the easiest way
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
