Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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