just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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