i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
