I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
