When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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