i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
