My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
