i jhust puked up my retainher.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
