It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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