I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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