i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
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I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
that may or may not have been my penis.
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