You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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