I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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