I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
