NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
