my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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