I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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