I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
