You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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