I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
