FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
