Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
PANTIES FOUND
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