I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
