My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
