i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
