So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
