After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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