Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Randomize
