I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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