Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
