: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
