i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She bit a glass in half.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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