Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
