I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
