Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
