this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize