I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
