my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
