Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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