i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
