Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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