Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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