everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
