I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
