i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
