you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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