a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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