Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
