I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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