When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
