fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
