my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
