Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
