My cat gives me a boner
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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