all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
