I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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