Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
