the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
