They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
