I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
